I've struggled with liking my body since I was a child. The disgust started around the age of 9. I remember rarely feeling comfortable in my skin growing up. I was always the biggest and I took up more space than others my age. I didn't feel cute or pretty. I wasn't the girl the boys had crushes on. I eventually began to attribute being big with feeling bad about myself. If I was thin, I would feel more comfortable. If I was thin, the boys would like me. If I was thin, I would feel pretty. If I was thin, I would have less anxiety. If I was thin, I would finally like myself.
Well, I did get thinner. It was during my 20s, and I maintained it for 10 years.
Guess what? I still didn't like myself.
I mean, I thought I did, but I was essentially lying to myself. Losing weight didn't solve the internal voices spewing self-hate messages. It didn't stop me from dating losers. I was still a doormat to some and a viper to others. I wasn't balanced. It didn't correct the voice in my head that said, "You're still not thin enough, dear", when I was fine at the size I was at. I just didn't have the capacity to believe it.
Took me some time to figure out what went wrong.
I've slowly regained most of the weight I had lost. I could go into why it happened, but it really doesn't matter. Regaining that weight forced me to work on myself, to heal the past and create a greater understanding of who I am. I was done with being miserable. I wanted to finally thrive.
Regaining the weight woke me the fuck up.
So what happened? What did I do wrong?
I lost the weight without doing the critically-in-need-of-healing internal work. Hell, I didn't know that they were separate job duties! I worked on the external, thinking the internal would just follow suit.
Nope nope nope.
So as I work on losing the weight I have regained, I am coming from a place where I like who I am and who I have become overall. My health is more important to me than how I look. I don't cringe as much when I catch a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror. I can take a compliment. I don't downplay my talents nor feel the need to tell everyone how talented I am. The right people see it. I see it.
That's really all that matters.
Originally posted on The Angry Dieter on Facebook
The Angry Dieter