There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t diminish myself in some way. As a child, I didn’t want to feel, so I ate to diminish the feelings. I would walk with head down at times, well into adulthood, to make myself appear smaller. Don’t look at me, because you can’t be looking at me in a good way, right?
I would downplay my intelligence with guys, so that they would “like” me better and to avoid them getting nasty when I “showed them up”. I chose those shitty guys, though, because I didn’t feel I was worth one of the good ones. Who wants a diminished woman, right?
I used my weight and scenarios that didn’t even exist (I can’t go to medical school! I’ll be single & childless forever then!) as excuses to not achieve more in my career, knowing full well that I would need to be resilient regardless of my size. So I further diminished myself, getting stuck further and further in a position that was a dead end. It was a paycheck though, right?
I have often diminished my voice, fearing backlash and an inability to defend myself. I would either stay quiet or placate someone I disagreed with. Gotta be the jolly fat girl, right?
My light was going out. I was feeling dead inside. But deep down there was a warrior, ready to take up arms – if I let her. So, I decided to let her out, undiminished.
In the few months of reaching this point, I have achieved a tremendous amount in a very short time.
I feel resilient, fierce, capable and undeterred.
I have my light again, my glow. I am healthier, calmer.
But most of all, I am no longer diminished.
Originally published on The Angry Dieter page on Facebook.
The Angry Dieter